[ he feels insane, being comforted by someone who's going to die tomorrow for no reason. and why? because haru wasn't loud enough, wasn't thinking fast enough. ]
Don't. [ he grips their hand hard. ] Don't hold back on what you were going to say. Just... tell me. Be honest. Be angry, if that's what you want.
I want— [ he just lets out an aggravated, small noise. he's not good at this, at talking and expressing himself, and it comes out a little loud, ] it's not okay!
[ he doesn't need concern. he wants someone to upset for siffrin, whether it them or him or all the people here. ] I'll protect Rin. I'll always protect him. But I only have today with you!
[ Their expression softens a little at those words. If because, there's no anger. There's.. no blame here. Even if nobody voiced any louder, even though they didn't fight themselves a little harder, even though no one tried hard enough to disprove.. ]
..I'm not angry. [ Doesn't mind that hard squeeze. At that frustrated sound, at that display as he tries to figure himself out before them. Honesty.. there's so much they could say, but so much they can't. Because how could they tell someone like Haru they're fine with dying? They've died so many times, it came as naturally as breathing. That's insane. They can't just say that. ]
I'm just... tired. [ There's a spike of loneliness, ache, to hear only having today. Last today with their team, with some of the people they go to see for their silly after dinners, their ridiculous messages on the phone. A deep breath out. ] I appreciated being included in things. That you and the others considered me. That you trusted me to help out.
[ Even though realistically, Siffrin didn't do much? If anything, they just kinda hung around but. It was still fun. Made them appreciate the connections all the more. ] ..There's a lot I'm used to it so it's just.. easy for me to accept things as they are.
[ they should be angry. but maybe that's not siffrin. maybe siffrin is someone who accepts this sort of fate with grief rather than rage. and yet—it shouldn't be either.
they're all going to come back, and yet time feels cut so short. he takes a few steadying breaths, to try and wrangle himself back under control and failing. ]
You shouldn't. I was like that too, until— [ ... ] It was safe. Accepting things, and working hard for others, there's more than that. I don't want you to think—it was always going to end this way.
[ that because he loves rin, he can't also have wanted siffrin to live. it isn't like that. ]
I hope you can have some dreams that survive this, Siffrin.
[ Time will probably feel fleeting when it comes. Or maybe it'll feel like years. Time is such a finicky thing for them. When Haru takes those breaths, Siffrin takes them with him. Deep breaths in and out. To try and help encourage some of them. ]
..You don't have to worry about that. I didn't think it was always going to end this way. But because it did.. it's because of my past experiences, that it's easier for me to accept as is.
[ And again. He would have rather it be him here than someone like Rin. Than anyone in their team. At that comment about dreams, they almost want to laugh. It's just.. a little funny. That they're in this situation in the first place because of some silly nightmares. But it's sweet. ]
I hope so too, Haru.
[ One hand lets go, but only so they can reach in their pockets to settle a gift in Haru's hand. A whittled piece that's palm-sized. ]
Thank you for visiting me. [ For caring for someone like them. For sharing a bit of their time in their game before, the fishing, the silly rambles and nonsense the group has gone through. ] Just.. don't blame yourself for this and.. please make sure Rin understands that, too.
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Don't. [ he grips their hand hard. ] Don't hold back on what you were going to say. Just... tell me. Be honest. Be angry, if that's what you want.
I want— [ he just lets out an aggravated, small noise. he's not good at this, at talking and expressing himself, and it comes out a little loud, ] it's not okay!
[ he doesn't need concern. he wants someone to upset for siffrin, whether it them or him or all the people here. ] I'll protect Rin. I'll always protect him. But I only have today with you!
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..I'm not angry. [ Doesn't mind that hard squeeze. At that frustrated sound, at that display as he tries to figure himself out before them. Honesty.. there's so much they could say, but so much they can't. Because how could they tell someone like Haru they're fine with dying? They've died so many times, it came as naturally as breathing. That's insane. They can't just say that. ]
I'm just... tired. [ There's a spike of loneliness, ache, to hear only having today. Last today with their team, with some of the people they go to see for their silly after dinners, their ridiculous messages on the phone. A deep breath out. ] I appreciated being included in things. That you and the others considered me. That you trusted me to help out.
[ Even though realistically, Siffrin didn't do much? If anything, they just kinda hung around but. It was still fun. Made them appreciate the connections all the more. ] ..There's a lot I'm used to it so it's just.. easy for me to accept things as they are.
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they're all going to come back, and yet time feels cut so short. he takes a few steadying breaths, to try and wrangle himself back under control and failing. ]
You shouldn't. I was like that too, until— [ ... ] It was safe. Accepting things, and working hard for others, there's more than that. I don't want you to think—it was always going to end this way.
[ that because he loves rin, he can't also have wanted siffrin to live. it isn't like that. ]
I hope you can have some dreams that survive this, Siffrin.
no subject
..You don't have to worry about that. I didn't think it was always going to end this way. But because it did.. it's because of my past experiences, that it's easier for me to accept as is.
[ And again. He would have rather it be him here than someone like Rin. Than anyone in their team. At that comment about dreams, they almost want to laugh. It's just.. a little funny. That they're in this situation in the first place because of some silly nightmares. But it's sweet. ]
I hope so too, Haru.
[ One hand lets go, but only so they can reach in their pockets to settle a gift in Haru's hand. A whittled piece that's palm-sized. ]
Thank you for visiting me. [ For caring for someone like them. For sharing a bit of their time in their game before, the fishing, the silly rambles and nonsense the group has gone through. ] Just.. don't blame yourself for this and.. please make sure Rin understands that, too.