[ Despite everything, they offer him a small genuine smile. ]
..I was hoping the same. It's always been on my mind, the risks of being possessed again. [ Comes over. A pause before, quieter, taking a breath. ] Sorry, Jonas.
[ Will hand him their paw, the injured one. He's free to check as he pleases. Nothing to hide. The bandages have already been loosened to show with their glove off. ]
..That would be my own blame. I just.. didn't want to show my hand. [ ... ] Artemy wasn't telling the whole truth. I woke up late on Wednesday, I.. couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. It.. happens a lot. I can't shake the feeling of loops off. So I just.. reacted.
[ well he's not thrilled about that either and he sighs, looking it over carefully. ]
Siff... [ like given what he knows, sure, that makes sense. ] I get why, I do. It's scary not to know what's going on and be disoriented. How often is a lot though? Why didn't you mention it sooner...?
[ Doesn't take their hand back, but doesn't meet his gaze. Shifting a little where they lean. ]
..The nightmares have always been there. Even in Heaven. It's just.. harder this time. [ To adjust. But to talk about? There's disgust, shame, guilt, all at themselves. ] I don't know.
[ No, they know why. Because they know how broken they are but it feels worse when their friends realize just how broken they are. ]
[ continues to hold paw until morale improves. it won't, but it's fine. ]
... why do you think that is? [ they don't have to talk about it, but he would rather try to help before siffrin leaves and finds themselves on the other side with people who might not be able to walk them through these things. ]
[ HOW THE HELL DID I LOSE THIS NOTIF. It's okay, holds this paw for support. Even though they should be reassuring Jonas here. But.. they know that, sometimes letting someone help is in a way helping in itself. ]
Maybe because it doesn't really feel like I've left. In Heaven, I knew being dead meant.. they couldn't possibly affect me there. But I didn't get the chance to see the next day. Nothing to really.. solidify I'm out. If that makes sense? Doesn't feel real even here.
[ Quietly, they fiddle with a coin now, looking it over. Better to try and talk than not. And with how the team stuff is looking.. they owe it to him. The thought that he might end up there too though - they frown suddenly, bonking their head lightly against the bars. ]
... well. I can't exactly blame you since we didn't get out of our loops until we died, so... [ but there was just no going back for them either. ] Even with all of the time here and meeting people here and getting to make choices? What would've counted as solidifying, you think?
[ they're right, for jonas, trying to help someone is his way of helping himself. not to mention it's siffrin who is a friend to begin with. he watches their hands, but there's a surprise jerk with the bonk. ]
I don't know. I feel like.. it should be easy to figure it out. Meeting so many different people, in Heaven, some of them again here and even new... but everything before was... failing, broken, rotting. What if the loops made things even more broken in the long run?
[ What makes it so hard? They listen though, picking up on that mention again. ] And your loops.. it was the both of you?
[ Just keeps their head there, resting it, an apologetic look at their bonk. Sorry, sorry. Bringing it up seems like it'll just make things worse. The potential team erasure, so. They just push that thought away for now. Focus on them both here. ]
I don't know if "easy" is the word I would use. Think it's more like... the longer you're out, the more new experiences you have, and the more you have, the easier it is to see that it's not a loop because things are impacted by your choices in different ways. Maybe the loop caused more problems in the long run, but... at the same time, being outside of it now means you stand a chance of changing it. Other people are here to help, too.
[ ... but yeah, about that. ]
It was both of us though, yeah. Alex was always better at telling when we looped than I was, but I started picking up on it the longer it went. [ reaches through the bars to pat their hair again. no more bonks. ]
[ Even if they desperately miss their family back home, too. Fighting so hard to have them only to lose them again. The naturally cling to those they know from Heaven here. It isn't that he doesn't believe his words but... shaking off nearly two hundred loops is more difficult than they expected it to be. ]
A bit different in the way that Loop was technically going alongside it with me. [ Since only Siffrin really was the one on stage during their loops but. ] So.. that's the connection you have with her.
It's not a perfect solution, but it's a start. And everyone has to start somewhere.
[ it's about the possibilities, even if it isn't the end all be all. there are always going to be things that can't be fixed, but it's about growing from them and taking the trauma and pain and adjusting with them. those are his thoughts, anyway. ]
I guess it's a little different, yeah. Alex and I did everything together and spent each loop together. She remembered them clearly, and there's a lot I don't. [ but there's a shrug. ] She was my best friend. Even our other friends who were in the loop with us... it's a little different.
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..I was hoping the same. It's always been on my mind, the risks of being possessed again. [ Comes over. A pause before, quieter, taking a breath. ] Sorry, Jonas.
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What're you apologizing for? We're the ones who just let you down, I think.
cw: self harm mention
..That would be my own blame. I just.. didn't want to show my hand. [ ... ] Artemy wasn't telling the whole truth. I woke up late on Wednesday, I.. couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. It.. happens a lot. I can't shake the feeling of loops off. So I just.. reacted.
[ It's a clean cut all things considered. ]
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Siff... [ like given what he knows, sure, that makes sense. ] I get why, I do. It's scary not to know what's going on and be disoriented. How often is a lot though? Why didn't you mention it sooner...?
[ mostly he's worried, actually. ]
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..The nightmares have always been there. Even in Heaven. It's just.. harder this time. [ To adjust. But to talk about? There's disgust, shame, guilt, all at themselves. ] I don't know.
[ No, they know why. Because they know how broken they are but it feels worse when their friends realize just how broken they are. ]
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... why do you think that is? [ they don't have to talk about it, but he would rather try to help before siffrin leaves and finds themselves on the other side with people who might not be able to walk them through these things. ]
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Maybe because it doesn't really feel like I've left. In Heaven, I knew being dead meant.. they couldn't possibly affect me there. But I didn't get the chance to see the next day. Nothing to really.. solidify I'm out. If that makes sense? Doesn't feel real even here.
[ Quietly, they fiddle with a coin now, looking it over. Better to try and talk than not. And with how the team stuff is looking.. they owe it to him. The thought that he might end up there too though - they frown suddenly, bonking their head lightly against the bars. ]
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[ they're right, for jonas, trying to help someone is his way of helping himself. not to mention it's siffrin who is a friend to begin with. he watches their hands, but there's a surprise jerk with the bonk. ]
Hey, careful.
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[ What makes it so hard? They listen though, picking up on that mention again. ] And your loops.. it was the both of you?
[ Just keeps their head there, resting it, an apologetic look at their bonk. Sorry, sorry. Bringing it up seems like it'll just make things worse. The potential team erasure, so. They just push that thought away for now. Focus on them both here. ]
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[ ... but yeah, about that. ]
It was both of us though, yeah. Alex was always better at telling when we looped than I was, but I started picking up on it the longer it went. [ reaches through the bars to pat their hair again. no more bonks. ]
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[ Even if they desperately miss their family back home, too. Fighting so hard to have them only to lose them again. The naturally cling to those they know from Heaven here. It isn't that he doesn't believe his words but... shaking off nearly two hundred loops is more difficult than they expected it to be. ]
A bit different in the way that Loop was technically going alongside it with me. [ Since only Siffrin really was the one on stage during their loops but. ] So.. that's the connection you have with her.
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[ it's about the possibilities, even if it isn't the end all be all. there are always going to be things that can't be fixed, but it's about growing from them and taking the trauma and pain and adjusting with them. those are his thoughts, anyway. ]
I guess it's a little different, yeah. Alex and I did everything together and spent each loop together. She remembered them clearly, and there's a lot I don't. [ but there's a shrug. ] She was my best friend. Even our other friends who were in the loop with us... it's a little different.